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We finally don’t fight anymore. But all of our conversations also came down to logistics, and if something happens, none of us wants to bring it up.
I’ve been there, and let me tell you that the absence of fights doesn’t guarantee you “happily ever after.” In fact, it can even be scarier than screaming at each other with full force.
If you and your significant other don’t fight anymore but also don’t feel close anymore, keep reading. We’ll explore why these intimacy issues in relationships appear and what to do next.
We Don’t Fight Anymore. Why?
One possible reason is that one or both partners may have lost the motivation to “fight for” the relationship. Repetitive conflicts and unresolved issues feel draining. You or your partner can simply drain your emotional resources, and it’s easier for your psyche to let things go. Not because they no longer matter, but because it feels like nothing will change.
Some partners may believe that nothing will ever change and, hence, there’s no point in trying. If so, it’s worth taking a “Do I have attachment issues?” quiz to see whether the issue may be deeply rooted in childhood beliefs. Such pessimistic determinism eradicates passion, and lovers start to feel like roommates.
Another common behavior among couples who experience intimacy issues is emotional invalidation. You may not want to argue anymore because your partner consistently dismisses your feelings. Emotional invalidation can sound like:
- “You’re being dramatic.”
- “We had it worse, and you didn’t complain.”
- “But what about me? I also suffer.”
- “That never happened.”
- “I’m sorry you feel this way.”
But also cut some slack for emotional or physical exhaustion. If your partner is going through a difficult period or is overwhelmed by stress, they’re preserving their energy by not fighting with you.
At first glance, not fighting may seem like progress. But conflict, when handled respectfully, is where you make the most progress as a couple. It shows that both people are still engaged and want to be understood so they can have a better shared life.
How Else Intimacy Issues Can Look Like
Intimacy is misunderstood as only physical closeness. But in reality, intimacy is about being vulnerable with each other, sometimes even fighting.
So, we understood that not fighting can be one way in which lack of intimacy shows up. But how else can it look like?
- A growing distance in physical connection or a lack of interest in sexual intimacy (if partners used to have high libidos)
- Keeping thoughts, worries, or parts of your life to yourself.
- Lack of deep, meaningful conversations, besides routine logistics.
- Avoiding expressing your needs, feelings, or even small desires.
- No longer making plans for the future together or feeling excited about it.
- Criticizing your partner or getting “icks” for anything they do.
- Not trusting your significant other, but also not caring about potential betrayal.
Disclaimer: This list isn’t exclusive. It’s normal to recognize yourself in any of these points, and also to have a happy relationship.
Why Keeping Peace at Any Cost Doesn’t Work
Some people could be taught that fighting is the worst thing you can do. Perfect couples shouldn’t fight. They should see eye to eye and always agree with each other.
Let me tell you: we’ve been lied to. Perfect couples do fight. They do disagree. And their aim most certainly isn’t to protect their peace at all costs.
Sometimes, keeping peace comes at the cost of honesty. And when you keep something painful to yourself, it turns into a secret. Shame. This shame can create tension in relationships, and this is what causes intimacy issues.
Unspoken feelings don’t disappear. There is a saying, “bottled up feelings,” for a reason. Unexpressed concerns build up, turning into frustration, resentment, or emotional distance. And it’s much harder to get out of a state of resentment than simply confessing your true feelings.
There is also a loss of authenticity. When you stop expressing what you truly feel, parts of yourself remain hidden. This can lead to feeling unseen or misunderstood, even if nothing is “wrong” on the surface. The relationship may appear stable, but internally, it can feel uncertain or unfulfilling.
Keeping peace at any cost doesn’t fix anything. It just delays the discomfort. But that delay also doesn’t give you anything good: you just live in tension.
What to Do Instead of Keeping the Peace
Well, you certainly shouldn’t start screaming at each other for no reason. Don’t put “fight more” as your next aim. What you should strive for is to be honest with yourself and your partner.
- Step 1: Address the elephant in the room. It’s the hardest step: admit and tell your partner that something is wrong. Once something is spoken, it’s no longer carrying the same weight of secrecy or shame. You’ll almost immediately feel the relief from being sincere.
- Step 2: Have a full, honest conversation. This step almost immediately follows the first step. If your partner is open to discussion, exchange your feelings, what was hard for you, and what you miss. Ask yourself a simple question: what feels more difficult, having an honest conversation now or continuing to live with such tension?
- Step 3: Spend time together, just the two of you. Preferably, choose something you both enjoy, or you have never tried. If you have limited opportunities, there is a simple exercise. Ask ChatGPT to generate intimate, deep questions you’ll discuss together.
- Step 4: Therapy, individual or couples. If both partners are willing, this is the most helpful thing you can do for your relationships. Therapy is a place just for you two, not to discuss logistics, but your true feelings. The therapist plays an important role as a mediator to regulate both partners if one of you falls into toxic habits.
Important note: all of these steps will be successful as long as both partners are motivated or involved. If one person shows no interest in working on the relationship, the other won’t be able (and shouldn’t) play the role of a saver. Your energy and emotional well-being matter, and not every situation can be repaired by effort alone.
