Why do we focus so much on romance, relationship, and sexual intimacy around Valentine’s Day, but sweep it under the rug for the rest of the year? We are wired to desire romance and sexual intimacy on a regular basis. Sadly, life often gets in the way and dampens our sex drive. Many times, we are “too tired” to get dressed up for a date night with our partner, or to even have a date night for that matter. Humans are hardwired for sexual pleasure. We are the only primates whose sexual desires and functions are not entirely limited to the reproductive cycle.
“Sexuality is an organic, normal, physical, and emotional function of human life, and we are capable of sexual pleasure and function for our entire lives” Dr Christiane Northrup.
So how do we increase our sexual desire, our sexiness, and our libido? It starts within you. Many articles and self-help books discuss focusing on pleasuring your partner, dressing up for your partner, focusing on your partner. But true change, as with every other aspect of your health and wellbeing, starts within you. A happy, energetic, sexual woman will please a partner regardless of the sexual activities performed.
Decide to allow pleasure into your life
The first step to wanting more of something is to allow more of that something to enter your life. If you want to feel sexier, to desire more intimacy, to strengthen the libido, you have to be open to that actually happening. Think about your sexiness. We are permeated with sexual ads on TV, sexual innuendos and double entendres in our language, but how often do we truly think about our own sexiness? The key is thinking positively about yourself. Positive thoughts create positive outlooks, negative creates negative. Consider saying a mantra everyday to yourself. “I am a sexy, irresistible woman.” If you want to experience pleasure, you have to be open to pleasure entering your life.
Focus on the erotic
If you want your sex life to improve, you have to spend time thinking about sex, pleasure, and things that turn you on. In the US we are obsessed with and surrounded by sex in the media, but few people make it a priority in their personal lives. What we see on TV or in magazines, might not be what our realities look like and things that we find erotic might not look like what is being displayed on TV. Allow yourself your own unique way of being sexual, your own erotic thoughts and desires. Consider picking up an erotic novel. When you spend time thinking about your sexuality, you are more likely to become more sexual and when you think about sexual intimacy with your partner, it is more likely to occur.
A sexy person is a healthy person. Healthy does not mean in peak physical shape, eating only salad, and exercising every day. Healthy means physically, mentally, and socially balanced, free from illness. Focus on your health. Eat well balanced meals, skip the soda, chips, cookies, and processed foods. Provide your body with nutrients from fruits and vegetables to build and repair the cells in your body. Proper nutrition is foundational for a healthy body. Move your body. Exercise protects your heart, increases energy levels, helps you lose excess weight, and allows you to feel sexier. Being overweight is correlated with decrease libido and decrease frequency of intercourse. Resolve to eat balanced meals and move your body on a regular basis and you will notice positive changes in your body.
Manage stress levels
An angry, stressed woman is not an attractive woman. Stress is one of the largest libido killers. Explore and practice various stress reduction techniques. Learn to leave work at the office. On the way home practice meditation, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or just smile and think about a happy memory. A relaxed, sexy, positive woman radiates to those around her.
Get to know your body, what feels good, what turns you on, what is stimulating. If you don’t know what pleases you, it is impossible to teach someone else how to please you. A simple exercise is to take a few moments in a quiet room and think about your body. Focus on your breasts and your genitals. By focusing attention to these areas, they automatically become more sensitive because you are more aware of them. Consider performing this simple exercise before sexual intimacy with your partner.
It is easy to find yourself in a rut, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. Take the initiative to spice things up. Set the mood – remove house clutter, light candles, take a bubble bath, have a dinner with various aphrodisiac foods. Set aside time for your partner – request a date night, plan a naked date in the house, join your partner in the shower, spend an afternoon trading massages with your partner. Consider trying out a sex toy, there are some great women only sex enhancement shops on line and locally, like She Bop, a female friendly sex toy boutique. Focus on foreplay rather than the main event. Watch sexy movies, read romantic stories together. Use a blindfold during a massage, act out a sexual fantasy, or create a sexual game together.
Ask for what you want
No one is born knowing how to please others sexually. Direct your partner to what you like, what you desire, and what stimulates you. Avoid the assumption that your partner knows what you want. They will appreciate your direction and you will both benefit.
Believe you are a sexy goddess. Release yourself from any expectations or perfectionistic tendencies. The beauty of romantic intimacy is that it is unscripted – every interaction is unique and pleasurable in its’ own way. Work through any fears, anxiety, or anger that has taken root in your life. A trusted friend or counselor can be useful in this process.
You are a sexual goddess. Your pleasure comes first and foremost from within – knowing, loving, and expressing yourself. Once you believe in your power as a divine feminine being, your radiance will permeate all aspects of your life.
Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing by Christiane Northrup, MD
Various websites compiling “top ways to increase libido” into general categories
By Jamie Fields ND 4th year medical student edited by Dr Elise Schroeder